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Top 13 Reasons to become a Witch

13. I live for persecution!
12. I'm a night person at heart.
11. We respect our elders...and alders, and willows and oaks.
10. I just love explaining that a pentagram is NOT evil.
9. We do more after midnight than most people do all day!
8. Being burned at the stake is a great way to roast marshmallows.
7. We can talk to Elvis (and he IS dead).
6. You live, you learn, you die, you forget. Then you comeback...
5. Double the deities, double the fun!
4. We get more holidays.
3. Brooms get great mileage.
2. We were here first!


The 13 Commandments

1. Thou shall not turn thy ex into a frog.
2. Thou shall not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for thou are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
3. Thou shall not laugh at nekked snow sprites.
4. Thou shall not get drunk with thy Goddess's wine.
5. Thou shall not sacrifice thy little sister.
6. Thou shall not go running around proclaiming thy witchhood if thy are in times of burning.
7. Thou shall not question the word of thy High Priestess - She is God.
8. Thou shall not laugh at being nekked at coven - thou shall be killed.
9. Thou shall not commit to signing anything that declares any single person as thy lord and savior.
10. Thou shall not invoke thy Watchtowers only to say "never mind".
11. Thou shall not burn enough candles to burn thy house down.
12. Thou shall not have the magickal name "Sir Stinky Fartsalot".
13. Thou shall not call coven only for laughs.

Fifty Sure-Fire Ways to Tell If Your Next-Door Neighbor is a Pagan

How many of the following does your neighbor exhibit?

1. Never puts garbage out on the curb...I mean, recycling and compost are fine, but you can take it too far!
2. You casually mention the moon's phase, and s/he replies with the exact number of days, hours, and minutes of rising, position on horizon, and current angle of declination.
3. All the stray cats in the neighborhood congregate in her/his garden.
4. A screech-owl has chosen the lamppost outside her/his house as it's favorite perch...just when it's getting warm outside at night and you want to sleep with your windows open.
5. Doesn't mow down the weeds in his/her garden and lawn...in fact, it sort of looks like s/he's cultivating them!
6. The abundance of black garments drying on the clothesline out back.
7. Local kids whisper and stare as they pass his/her house, then start running if they spot movement in the house or yard.
8. Nobody trick-or-treats at his/her door--not since the year that his/her costume was scarier than any of theirs!
9. Footprints on the roof...and the trees near the house look as if they've been pruned for a flight-path!
10. S/he can't make a sandwich without adding fresh herbs to it...and don't accept that offer of a cup of tea unless you want something yellow-colored and smelling like flowers!
11. S/he never gets junk mail...you idly wonder why, and s/he confides that she just returns it to sender after writing something on it in strange curly script.
12. When you drop in for a chat, the coffee pot or tea kettle is already starting to perk.
13. Jehovah's Witnesses never knock on his/her door anymore...not after the last time...
14. Keeps the local candle shop solvent.
15. Has a pond out back full of frogs...and you haven't seen that pesky storm-window salesman in a while.
16. S/he's always smiling peacefully!
17. Went to a Halloween costume party dressed normally, and won first prize!
18. Her/his house always smells like incense and herbs.
19. Has cats named Kali, Diana, Loki, and Pele.
20. Bumper-sticker on his/her car reads, "I brake for toads".
21. Frequently gets questioned by the drug squad, who confiscate large amounts of dried green leaves and always return them with abject apologies after analysis!
22. At Christmas, it seems like half the garden is moved into the house.
23. Sometimes you hear the sounds of singing and drumming through the wall...if you look outside, it's usually a full moon.
24. Was given a bodram or dumbek for her/his last birthday...and sometimes plays it outside at midnight...
25. You discover the "realistic resin" skull s/he affectionately calls "Ron" in the living room actually is real...and hadn't you heard of an ex-lover named Ron?
26. You catch her/him washing a crystal ball along with the dishes.
27. S/he wears lots of silver jewelry, even when weeding or changing the oil in the car...
28. You knock on the door and s/he answers it wearing only a robe...you apologize for disturbing her/his shower, but notice her/his hair isn't wet...
29. Tendency to hum or softly chant, especially while outside in the garden.
30. Has a tame robin that will eat from his/her hand in the garden...that can't be normal.
31. Never catches a cold, despite a tendency to walk around barefoot often...even in the snow.
32. Doesn't kill spiders...even the huge hairy ones that startle you when you're in the tub.
33. Always listens to what you're saying like s/he really cares.
34. Has lots of female friends that come around once or twice a month...when you ask what they're up to, s/he tells you they just have cake and ale and a nice chat.
35. You catch him/her hugging a tree.
36. Owns a dinner set decorated with Celtic patterns or a "stars and moons" design.
37. Has a mail-order account with a semi-precious gems wholesaler.
38. The priest who lives around the corner always crosses himself when driving past her/his house.
39. Never watches television...but owns shelves full of books with black spines and silver lettering.
40. To your certain knowledge has never set foot in the local church...you've even heard rumors s/he's been barred from it.
41. You ask to borrow a deck of cards for an impromptu evening of canasta, and there are 78 in the pack.
42. You've never known him/her to go to a physician.
43. When you chat, s/he gently maintains eye contact the whole time.
44. Expectant mothers are always visiting...also women who become expectant mothers a short time after visiting and leaving with bags full of herbs.
45. You ask for suggestions of nice walks in the area, and they all go by way of strange earth mounds, oak groves, and stone circles.
46. S/he only buys organic food...and you suspect vegetarian as well!
47. When you ask about vacation plans, you're told about camping in yurts...or festivals with communal cabins.
48. There aren't any clocks in the house...and most of the mirrors are black.
49. Has a statue of a dragon near the garden gate...calls it her/his "watch-dragon".
50. Tells you s/he's coming out of the broom closet, and installs a stained-glass pentagram window in the front door!

1-10: Probably just a bit odd.
11-20: Might be a New Age hippy...harmless, maybe a little deluded.
21-30: Best not to offend her/him, just to be on the safe side.
31-40: Definitely something suspicious going on...stock up on your supply of Holy Water.
41-50: Get the kindling together--we're going to have ourselves a burning!

- Andie Gilmour


Q: What do you say to an angry witch?
A: Ribbit

Q: What's the best thing about Pagan friends?
A: They worship the ground you walk on.

Q: How can you tell a blonde pagan closed the circle?
A: There's white-out on the floor

Q: Why do witches use Brooms?
A: Because nature abhors a vacuum.

Q: What do ya' call 13 Witches in a hot tub?
A: A Self-Cleaning Coven

Q: What happens when a Ceremonial Magician gets angry?
A: He goes Qua-ballistic.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid?
A: Someone who worships the tree that is not there.

Q: If a Witch practices on the beach, is she a Sandwich?

Q: What's the difference between a New Ager and a Pagan?
A: A decimal point. An item you'll pay $300 to a New Ager for, you can get from a local Pagan for $30.

Q: How do you tell a New Age witch from a NeoPagan Witch?
A: You throw them both in the water. The NeoPagan Witch will float, whereas the New Age Witch will sink under the weight of all their overpriced crystals....

Q: Why did the blond pagan have a lasso?
A: She wanted to draw down the moon.

Q: Why did the blond pagan have a remote control?
A: She wanted to channel.

Q: How can you tell a blonde pagan closed the circle?
A: There's white-out on the floor.

A skeptic goes in to see a fortune teller. "You are the father of 2 children," the fortune teller says. "That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!," says the man. "That's what you think," says the fortune teller.

What's the best thing about Pagan friends? They worship the ground you walk on...

What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid? --Someone who worships the tree that is not there.

What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid mathematician? --Someone who worships the square roots of the tree that is not there

What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid veternarian? --Someone who worships the bark of the tree that is not there.

What is a California Cauldron? -- Four Pagans in a Hot tub


You Know You're a Witch When...

1. Your BOS has spots on the pages from spilled brews.

2. When cleaning house you have to specify. "Where is the broom? No, not the broom, where is the one to clean the floor with?"

3. Candle wax has dripped on your keyboard.

4. There are more jars of strange smelling plants in your cupboards than there are cereal boxes.

5. Friends know they can always give you candles and incense as a gift.

6. When watching old re-runs of Bewitched, you find you side with Samantha's mother Endora.

7. When travelling, stranger and stranger strangers tell you their problems.

8. You find yourself making corn dollies in the checkout line at the grocery store (well, I thought about it).

9. You ask for Halloween off, because it's a religious holiday.

10. You start answering the phone with "Merry Meet".

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary - Prefers to remain anonymous

Day 752--- My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I'm forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Day 761----Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving in and out of their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, note must try at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair......must try doing this on their bed.

Day768---I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was given the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called (shampoo). What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of the thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Day 771---There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they called " Beer". More importantly I over heard that my confinement was due to my Power of Allergies. Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Day 774---I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half wit. The bird on-the-other-hand has got to be an informant he speaks with them on a regular basis. I am certain he is reporting on my every move. Due to his placement in a metal room his safety is assured. But, I can watch and I can wait. It is only a matter of time.

What you send out, comes back to you-times 3.


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